my new house

Okay i am giving you permission to start again. Just leave your life, walk out the door and don’t look back.

I’m sure if you are anything like me there are days when you would like to do just that? or maybe it’s just me but i doubt it?

I have BFF who’s a man and sometimes he’s a very good BFF and sometimes he’s a very bad BFF although he doesn’t mean to be. I think it’s the man in him that makes him forget that i may be his BFF but i’m not a man as well and i need a little more compassion and gentleness then his bloke mates do. Today we were talking and i said i wish i could walk away from my life, put a pin in the map and just go. Yes there are things and people that i would want to take with me but how different would my way of life be if i did? what thing’s would i take with me? what values are really mine and which actually belong to someone else?

I always feel that for a value to be truly mine it need to be something that comes naturally, not forced, not something i need to improve on because it’s my way of life. My problems as far i am concerned is this; i look at what other people are doing and sometimes i like what i see so i try out that same things they are doing and then i get stuck doing it just to fit in, or i look at society at large and rightly or wrongly believe that if i lived my life a different way I would fit more perfectly, or would i really be prepared to give up those things which are not part of my core values?

The answers have to be – what are my core values? what of all the things that are around me are really important to me that i would want to take them with me into my new life and would i really have the courage to let go those things that no longer work for me? As a woman there are many voices that i hear every day and as a single mother those voices are added to, then added to those are the church voices and then my BFF’s voice too and the voices of my children, my parents and my family, society and so on and so on. It matter not what these voices are saying to me, we all have our own anyway and they all chatter constantly in our minds. Although i do wonder what some of these voices would say if i changed my life so drastically that i no longer fit into what is expected of me?

There was a time when i would meditate twice a day just for a few minutes at a time. For me this quiet time shut up the chatter allowing me to think more clearly to see further. So why did i give it up? That’s easy the chatter became louder then the meditation and i could no longer keep it at bay and in the end i had to give in and once i did that the flood gates opened and there was no room or time in my life for the few minutes of silence.

When i began writing this post and i didn’t know where it was going to end but i now realise that i need that few minutes of silence at the beginning and end of every day. I need to reconnect to the quiet place within me to find the real me. Today i asked my BFF what would he do if he lost his job? was money so much part of his identity that he wouldn’t exist any more? he said he didn’t know. Do any of us really know? not really. We often don’t live  in this moment we live in the tomorrows which will never be what we want them to be no matter how hard we try.

My goal and your goal if it’s part of who you are is to take a few moments at the beginning and end of every day just to be quiet. To stop living in the tomorrows and accept where i am right now because there is no tomorrow.