After a week and a bit of wallowing in self pity – since i got my diagnosis – i like everyone else hoped they could throw some pills at the ‘thing’ and make it go away but they can’t and i have to learn to live with it. So the fact of the matter is this – i am no longer ill i am disabled. Why? because an illness can be cured and this cannot, although the symptoms can be tempered somewhat, well so they say, I have yet to see that happen to me. BUT here i am wallowing again, which is the first thing that has to stop.

Just been reading over on Zen Habits and Leo Babatua who was (after my feeble brain finally managed to work out the word) talking about Autodidacts, which basically means teaching yourself to do something without a teacher. He has a whole list of things that he is teaching himself and he says much of his learning starts with reading. Team that with the other thought that keeps recurring in my tiny mind, what would i do it i knew i couldn’t fail? By the end of March i will officially be without a job and so i am now free to chose what i do next with my life.

The thought that follows that is; i need to live my own life. It not difficult or so it seems. I always wanted to write a book and i did start one but i lacked the drive to get it finished and the time. Now i have lots of time but do i really want to write it? I always wanted to draw my city. Let me explain. There is some amazing architecture in Bradford, it’s an old city but sadly the old is starting to be overshadowed by the new and i think in time it will become buried. I can draw but it needs improvement and that takes time too.

The next thing i would like to do is learn to cook. More explanation i think. I can cook, basic, simple meals and with a recipe i can probably cook most things but as always there is a problem – money. Or the lack of money and the fact that scouting around different shops is not a possibility due to the disability. I would like to prove to myself that i can eat well and shop for most things in the same supermarket. Another problem with food is that it doesn’t taste right. Not sure if it’s the disability, as i can cause your taste buds to change, or the medication but i gravitate towards sweet foods more then anything else. Or is it just a bad habit? There is a certain chef that i admire, no one fancy but i like his cooking, do i own any of his books – no. I used to do but i gave them away but maybe i need to find just one and cook every recipe in it.

Everything comes down to planning and for whatever reason, which is beyond my comprehension i just don’t plan. I’m not good at it. When i was at work i would plan, i would work the plan, other people liked working with me because i worked the plan and everything got done with order and calm. Sadly at home that is not the case. I am confessing my faults and my failings yet again.

The plan this week is -

Only eat breakfast in bed – i have to take pills and wait for them to work before i can physically get dressed. There are some days i can eat all my meals in bed.

Get up and get dressed every morning – every day gets a score out of 5 if it’s a 1 day i am allowed to stay in bed for anything else i have to get up and get dressed. I have known myself stay in bed all day for no reason.

Make my bed every day and open the curtains - nothing to add 

Go for a walk – pretend i have a dog and go for a walk every day

Spend less time on the computer – i can easily spend 12hrs or more on the computer a day and half of that time is wasted. I want to keep it to around 6hrs. It’s become a bad habit, i wake up in the mornings i put it on, i go out then i come back i put it on. It’s beginning to replace the TV i got rid of for the same reasons.

For 3 days this week i am going to EAT FOOD  - when i am feeling sorry for myself it’s easy for me just to eat rubbish and i know better then that and so it has to stop.

Visit the library – books on cooking , drawing and photography

Happy Saturday – going out for breakfast with my daughter and then need to do some wedding shopping