glass work by Emily Smith
Since i got broken, i can’t say sick because that means they can mend me (they=doctors) but they can’t, but i’m not allowed to say disabled as my condition is not listed as a disability, I have found myself slipping into dark places where love just cannot reside and runs for cover.
The problem with these places is that is where i am. In a place where i started to think that nobody loved me, and i was unlovable, but i know that isn’t true. There are a whole host of people that love me i really do know this and feel this and my daughter proved it by making me brunch yesterday when i was just going to settle for a sandwich, which was amazing.
So the problem has to lie with me, within me.
Then i was thinking about the fact that i said i would challenge myself each week to step outside my comfort zone. I think it takes great courage to say ‘I don’t love myself, but i should’. I always say it’s my Mother’s fault for leaving me at school and walking off and abandoning me and now i have attachment issues, or so my daughter says. She should know she is studying psychology at university.
So i am saying, ‘I don’t love myself but i should’. So this is how i am going to show myself that i am worth it, worth what? everything. I have spent the last 2 weeks spending time meditating each day. Some days i didn’t have a lot of time and i half meditated and there were times when i actually fell asleep. Meditation is helpful to me and my brokenness, however it will not mend the broken bits but i know it will help me to accept them as they are and not as i want them to be.
To prove to myself that i love myself i am going to do the following-
- stop blaming my Mother, I am nearly 50 yrs old and she is nearly 82
- stop blaming myself for my present brokenness
- continue meditating each day even if i sometimes fall asleep
- stop biting my nail – i have always done it and it’s time to stop
- buy myself flowers – i have no one to buy me flowers but i do love them
- start to include yoga into my meditation
- go out once a week and eat 2nd breakfast with only a book for company
- eat what i want to eat and not what other people want me to eat, even if it’s coco pops (krispies)
- go back to my book group
- read poetry, in fact buy books that contain poetry, find on CD so it can be read to me
- borrow audio books so someone can read to me
Be honest, Be open, Be true
What a great list of ways to nurture yourself! I struggle with this myself – there are days I am so consumed with self-hate that I can hardly move.
You provide such a great model for taking care of oneself – enjoy the coco pops
Sometimes we need to take care of the little things. I don’t see myself has anything of the sort but i have written my list onto post-it notes so i can remember to do them.
Wonderful approach to the problem(s) Beverley. Could I add one more (that I’ve found really important myself)? Don’t get angry at yourself when you slip backwards! Just say “Oops, well, I wasn’t expecting to be perfect – now, time to take another step, in the right direction this time!”
And some days just call for coco pops.
and another one – take some weight off my BFF back he has carried me long enough, I couldn’t have survived without him but maybe i’ll just hold on to his arm instead
m every day is a coco pops day just some days need more 
It does take courage to say “this is what I’m struggling with” so good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone and speaking up. And what a great list of ways to honour and nurture yourself you’ve come up with here.
I’m pulling for you!
I written the list out so i don’t forget what i have planned and thank you
Pingback: Pourquoi? A gift for moi? | holistic complications
Hey, I have mentioned your blog on my post about The Versatile Blogger Award as I enjoy reading about your perspective on life. http://holisticcomplications.wordpress.com/2012/06/16/pourquoi-a-gift-for-moi/ Hope that is OK.
Thank you and congratulations