Since i got broken, i can’t say sick because that means they can mend me (they=doctors) but they can’t, but i’m not allowed to say disabled as my condition is not listed as a disability, I have found myself slipping into dark places where love just cannot reside and runs for cover.
The problem with these places is that is where i am. In a place where i started to think that nobody loved me, and i was unlovable, but i know that isn’t true. There are a whole host of people that love me i really do know this and feel this and my daughter proved it by making me brunch yesterday when i was just going to settle for a sandwich, which was amazing.
So the problem has to lie with me, within me.
Then i was thinking about the fact that i said i would challenge myself each week to step outside my comfort zone. I think it takes great courage to say ‘I don’t love myself, but i should’. I always say it’s my Mother’s fault for leaving me at school and walking off and abandoning me and now i have attachment issues, or so my daughter says. She should know she is studying psychology at university.
So i am saying, ‘I don’t love myself but i should’. So this is how i am going to show myself that i am worth it, worth what? everything. I have spent the last 2 weeks spending time meditating each day. Some days i didn’t have a lot of time and i half meditated and there were times when i actually fell asleep. Meditation is helpful to me and my brokenness, however it will not mend the broken bits but i know it will help me to accept them as they are and not as i want them to be.
To prove to myself that i love myself i am going to do the following-
- stop blaming my Mother, I am nearly 50 yrs old and she is nearly 82
- stop blaming myself for my present brokenness
- continue meditating each day even if i sometimes fall asleep
- stop biting my nail – i have always done it and it’s time to stop
- buy myself flowers – i have no one to buy me flowers but i do love them
- start to include yoga into my meditation
- go out once a week and eat 2nd breakfast with only a book for company
- eat what i want to eat and not what other people want me to eat, even if it’s coco pops (krispies)
- go back to my book group
- read poetry, in fact buy books that contain poetry, find on CD so it can be read to me
- borrow audio books so someone can read to me
Be honest, Be open, Be true